Prometheus aka Alien 0.5

Warning: This post may contain spoilers for the movie Prometheus.  If you do not wish to be spoiled, please read no further.





Alright, now that everyone has been properly warned, let me begin by saying that I really really wanted to go see Prometheus.  The previews made it look spectacular!  The premise and the idea of it really excited me.  And I had heard it was set in the same world as the Alien movies, although director Ridley Scott insists it is not a prequel to Alien just set in the same universe.  So, when it was suggested last night at dinner that we go see a movie, this is what popped into my head.  I went and bought the tickets and grabbed a drink and suffered through the terrible previews, anxiously awaiting the brilliance.  And… never happened.

But allow me to start with the good things first.  The effects were great, I really liked everything I saw on screen as far as special effects and CG go.  And the settings and surroundings were fantastic.  The locations they used were stunning.  And it has Charlize Theron, one of the most perfect human beings on the planet.  Unfortunately she didn’t do much except walk around in neoprene and acting pissed off.  So men, go see this, you get several hours of Charlize Theron in neoprene!

The first bad point is how horribly predictable this movie was.  We, humans, find proof of an alien race that they believe created human beings.  So, like the morons they are, decide to go find these creators and find out more about them, kind of like a search for the deadbeat dad that never pays child support.  And these dummies actually expect to be welcomed with open arms!  If humans are going to be this dumb in the future we’d be better off exterminating ourselves now.  But I digress.  They get funding from a man who is terminally ill and wants them to go find these creators even though he’ll be long dead before they arrive at the alien planet.  But he sends along his cyborg David, who is like a son to him, to oversee things and help them.  At this point it doesn’t take a genius to assume that this man is not dead and that David will be the saboteur of the mission.  I know I guessed that, and if you did too then you’d be correct.

More horrible predictability came along when, after being infected by David, the male scientist sleeps with the female scientist.  Again, if you guessed she gets pregnant with the alien baby you’d be correct again!  If you further guess that she’ll perform her own cesarean to remove it then you are really racking up point here!  So David releases the bad aliens and people die.  Then they discover that these aliens are the ones who killed the creators, except for one.  And surprise of all surprises, their funder is on the ship and perfectly alive!  And he wants to meet this creator with David’s help and ask them to make him immortal.  Yes, it’s dumb I know.  Then we get an Empire Strikes Back moment when the ship’s captain (or whoever Charlize Theron was supposed to be) cries in this man’s lap about how the natural course of life is to die and the new generation take over and we learn this is her dad.  I was honestly expecting the line, “Luke, I am your father”.  It was supposed to be dramatic and it was just laughable.

Needless to say the creator alien kills funder man and tears David’s head off and then starts up his ship to go destroy earth.  The aliens that killed the creators were going to be brought to earth to exterminate the humans they created.  In the typical sci-fi movie moment, the rest of the survivors on the ship decide to sacrifice themselves to disable the creator alien’s ship and save earth.  Female scientist is not in the ship at this point, and spends an hour of the film running around like a marathon runner even though she just gave herself a cesarean and has staples all across her belly.  The ship crashes and David (remember he’s a cyborg so he’s not dead) tell her that creator alien is still alive and coming after her.  She traps it with baby alien who is not so baby anymore.  Then she collects the pieces of David and tells him that he is going to help her pilot the other alien ship to go find the race who created the creators.  Because she wants to know why they changed their minds about earth.  Again, I couldn’t help getting the “Why did daddy abandon me!’ vibe.  They fly off into outer space and we discover that baby alien has impregnated creator alien, and the new spawn is….wait for it…..this is really good… I promise!…..the aliens that are in the movie Alien!  Okay, so maybe it wasn’t that good, sorry.

Also, I am very concerned with Ridley Scott and his obvious penis envy issues.  Most of the aliens look like penises and repeatedly shove themselves down people’s throats and inject something toxic into their body which makes them explode.  Did that sentence make anyone else uncomfortable?  I was too!

Overall this was a very disappointing movie and I really wish I could have asked for my money back simply because it was bad.


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